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hello couch potatoes,

the plus-shaped cursor turns on channel me.

the green button takes you to the tagboard

and the brown round one turns on archives and exits.

happy surfing,

Monday, July 9

t.o.w kenneth feels recharged?

Am I supposed to feel recharged?

I've been on my own bed 4 nights in a row now, had 3 good days at home to sleep, read, eat, bathe in hot hot water and chill. And yet I don't really seem to be up for whats coming again. I think I've had a bit too much to indulge in. Its a raw feeling. But I'm still trying to keep the optimism that has carried me through for the last week. And granted I may be in a bout of hot soup right now without knowing it, I really can't be bothered. Haha. Terrible isn't it. And I got so irritated when I recieved 3 calls today about work. Although it shows on one hand how indispensable I am in the running of the office (hurhur), it really does bug me on the other ; knowing that I can't even get a good day off. Irate, Irate. And I don't know whats wrong with me. During the days back I just want to laze around at home and mope my sorry ass on my bed but then just when I'm about to go back to the hellhole (or rather homely heaven seeing as how I'm trying to channel optimism), I feel like crap not having spent my weekend fruitfully. And then I start arguing within myself again that staying at home and chilling is also a "fruity" way to idle the weekend over and then I go back and forth back and forth. And its really irritating! What exactly should I be doing! Not fussing over how I've spent the weekend thats already gone most definitely! Rwar.

Haha. And then theres the looming dread of going back to this week of crap. The uncooperativeness I'm facing, the fingers pointing, the arrows shooting. Then again, I'd take this any day over the crap I orginally had to deal with. And I wonder if I'm a workaholic. I think in the future I may just be. I don't seem comfortable with leaving the place in their hands, even though they've been there long enough. I've built a nice little reputation that somehow I myself seem to be throwing bricks at, not to mention these dweebs. Haha. But I guess at the end of the day, I'm learning something so at least I hope I can say these 2 years were worth the time learning something, (yes even the iffy photography sessions - i am now well versed in hasty defences and deliberate attacks, mega hurhur).

And admist all these complaining I still think about him at the back of my head. How he must have not known at all. How he must have woken up having plans the following day that would forever remain plans. How he never knew his last run was his last. And most frighteningly, how he never knew his final adieu to his mother would indeed be the final goodbye. He's a stranger and yet he's taught me more than some friends have ever had. And if you ask me, it really is a lesson I'd rather not have learnt because it would then mean he would be alive. But no magic can bring back the dead and I guess I'm determined to make sure that the lesson he taught me was worth his while. And I think it would be wise for me to here warn myself that if I were ever to slip back to my old ways then that would be an insult to him and to his family. And I would never be able to be in good conscience face my own friends and family should that happen. So I guess, Thanks to Thaddeus.

A whole lot has happened this week. And suddenly I realise its about time I start to get on with the uni apps now. Columbia again? Cornell? NYU perhaps? Dare I dream Harvard? Yale maybe? I'm at lost. I hate to have to go back to uni fairs and all. I don't want to see andre. He would remind me to much of a life I need to have right now. Haha. He still rocks though.

I really look at my actions over the past week and can't help feeling silly. Can't believe I fancied myself capable of coping with more than I already have to. Things have just gotten slightly better around the camp and I have so little time as it is for the people who matter, silly real silly. But I must say the experience has shed light onto some drastic thoughts. And suddenly I see myself thinking about the person that I am, the person that I have come to be and the person that I want to be.

More thinking, more feeling.

Sometimes I wonder where the last 2 years went to.

And after yesterdays heartwrenching tennis final, all I can say is I miss Jennifer. I'm so glad I got to see her play when she still was playing. Yes! I need to live life to the fullest!

Crap. I started the whole "is a day at home chilling living life to the fullest nonsense" again.

The phrase of today is tall cafe mocha extra shot and piece of shit.

bye bye babies.
kenn thwacked an asshat munchkin' at 6:24 PM