Get awesome blog templates like this one from BlogSkins.com televisions' life support <body><script type="text/javascript"> function setAttributeOnload(object, attribute, val) { if(window.addEventListener) { window.addEventListener('load', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }, false); } else { window.attachEvent('onload', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }); } } </script> <div id="navbar-iframe-container"></div> <script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/platform.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript"> gapi.load("gapi.iframes:gapi.iframes.style.bubble", function() { if (gapi.iframes && gapi.iframes.getContext) { gapi.iframes.getContext().openChild({ url: 'https://www.blogger.com/navbar/7370917?origin\x3dhttp://klo-fightsback.blogspot.com', where: document.getElementById("navbar-iframe-container"), id: "navbar-iframe" }); } }); </script> me speak exits


hello couch potatoes,

the plus-shaped cursor turns on channel me.

the green button takes you to the tagboard

and the brown round one turns on archives and exits.

happy surfing,

Sunday, May 27

t.o.w. this is my now

Lovely Jordin won it. =)

I am a proud fan. She reminds me a lot of Kimberley Locke, whose sophomore album, sadly, is not very good. Oh well.

Anyway. The GSS sucks. Zara has no sale so it sucks. All the lovely polo tees and berms and belts are calling out to me. And I have no money and no sale-impetus to get them. I also think that with my new army weight, I no longer look good in anything. I feel unworthy of Zara. Haha. All I deserve is a green bamboo pith suit cos' I am sickly thin. Thin thin and green. Green and unhealthy. Unhealthy and unhappy. Oh, I could go on with this all day.

Vappy is holidaying in China now although I won't go so far as to say she is having a hell of a time in the wilderness and mountains. Haha. Thanks be to communication devices. Which, by the way, has also brought things with fellow STB interviewee to a rather interesting point. I am at crossroads. Listen?

Anyway, back to Jordin and her now. Well, this is my now too. But a very very different now. Whereas hers was a victory now, I am now at a pick me up now now. I feel useless and detached and very very very un-me. Or maybe this has been me masquerading under a strong veneer of a facade all these while. Either way, this is my now. And I know this now isnt technically going to be now now per say cos I don't see myself becoming any more emotionally strong or independent or less of a procrastinater immediately after I hit the publish button, but I trust it obvious that with all these incessant rambling, one can see how much of a grave I am in. A grave I started digging early these year and it seems all I have been doing in an attempt to get out, is to dig further furiously, as though there was an end to the digging. As though if I digged hard enough and fast enough, the escape would be at the other end. Geographically, I don't know how that would work out without me getting my ass burnt by the earth's hot hot core. So I am stuck. Stuck stuck.

And I feel fake. Grossly fake. I can tell you I never expected this much trouble coming into this. But it really does seem that every step I take, I get thumped two back. I feel fake to the people I am around all day, I feel fake to the people I used to be close to. I feel fake to myself. Fake fake. So this is my now. Now now.

Now for me to accept my position in this hell of a hole I have created for myself.
Now for me to accept that the only way out is for me to transcend the crap I am surrounded by and rise above it all. Digging back to where I know (or I thought) I had immense strength in.
Now for me to accept that I, I have to start NOT SETTLING for the cheap easy way out.
Now for me to accept that karma bit me big in the ass.
Now for me to know that this is something I need to do.
Now for me to know that otherwise my whole 18 years of previous existence was probably me being fake, false and invalid.

THIS IS MY NOW.

Now now.

Now now now.

Now now now now.

After typing it so many times, I suddenly feel like NOW is not the way to spell now.

Maybe NOW is WON.

kenn thwacked an asshat munchkin' at 8:44 PM

Sunday, May 20

t.o.w. the television

So much has been going on, I really don't know where to begin.

And what to begin with.

I guess a lot of it I leave behind the fences of the camp because I just don't want to bring these troubles and struggles back home. Having to achieve what I want to do within the very short weekends, having to live with the fact that at the end of the day, I wasnt strong enough to not settle for the easy way out and having to deal with the strain pain of seeing each second go by - trying to live it for what its worth but never being ever to fully enjoy it with the nagging curfew in mind.

So when I am temporarily liberated, I block myself from feeling this strange melting pot of emotions - of disappointment, of love, of lethargy, of uncertainty and of painful nostalgia. But I've learnt that not feeling is the equivalent of not living. And yet all I do to mask the fact that I am not coming to terms with what is, is to watch a whole lot of television to experience that exact same emotions, safely guarded by the distance between my eyes and the computer screen. Greys Anatomy - for the pain and joy of loss and life. Desperate Housewives - for the raunchy quirky happy and the absolute indelible secrets that everybody knows of.

So don't tell me I'm a TV Addict. I am seeking help. Television is life support.
kenn thwacked an asshat munchkin' at 4:03 PM