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Saturday, March 31

t.o.w. the desperate depression

I really am confused.

But before I begin to attempt to set things right, I need to settle the core things first and that is how grateful I am to my family and a most special friend for being totally behind me thoughout all these shit.

The things that they do for me and the way they attempt to comfort me and make me feel better admist all these shit makes me feel slightly embarrassed that I'm not strong enough that they have to fend for me emotionally. And there are so many times in the hellhole when I recieve an sms that I feel temporarily inundated with pure emotion and love and though that makes me weak in the legs for a bit, it gives me the strength to trudge on whatever remainder I have.

The night when I didnt manage to talk to mum at all really hurt bad because I had so much to tell her and not being able to do that really sucked. But reading her sms about what she had done and how I should feel at 2 in the morning really struck home at heart and I almost felt as if that for that moment, there was nothing in this world that her love couldnt solve. And at that moment, I guessed I understood what the powers behind Harry Potter's scar really symbolized.

Its a terrible feeling knowing that my inability is causing so much stress and distress to my loved ones but in a way, I guess I'm actually thankful for this for exposing this spiritual support group. And I must admit that if I were to remain stoic and heroic in front of them then the person truly inside must have already died by now. So at their expense, I guess I just had to indluge in that for abit.

Its also a wretched feeling not being able to fully involve myself in my beliefs and thoughts for the fear of experiencing a greater fall. I get all the shit about how the higher one climbs, the higher one falls but I also believe that I'll get no where if I don't bother climbing at all. The future and what it holds scares me to death. I have had so many dreams about the exact ideal life that now includes waking up for school / work in new york, lunching with friends, having dinner with the family and then kicking back in front of the tele and all that just seems so uncertain because I don't even know if I can safely get past this shit emotionally, physically and mentally.

I guess I've still grasping at straws here because I'm still looking for the avenues for help. I am that desperate for a life where I don't have to go through such turmoil.

Alas, the past week has been such an emotional rollercoaster that I don't even ever remember being so charged up all at once. I guess at least I feel human again.

I need to find the strength in me to work this out and that I will do tonight. I have to and I must because thats the only way I am going to get where I want. The life I will have eventually, eventually even if it means shit in the hellhole. The life with mum, dad, tiff and all the special friends that will always be an integral part. The life that I have slaved for for so many years now. That, I will achieve.

But first I need the sun to shine on my airconditioned ass again.
kenn thwacked an asshat munchkin' at 9:40 PM