televisions' life support

Saturday, March 31

t.o.w. the desperate depression

I really am confused.

But before I begin to attempt to set things right, I need to settle the core things first and that is how grateful I am to my family and a most special friend for being totally behind me thoughout all these shit.

The things that they do for me and the way they attempt to comfort me and make me feel better admist all these shit makes me feel slightly embarrassed that I'm not strong enough that they have to fend for me emotionally. And there are so many times in the hellhole when I recieve an sms that I feel temporarily inundated with pure emotion and love and though that makes me weak in the legs for a bit, it gives me the strength to trudge on whatever remainder I have.

The night when I didnt manage to talk to mum at all really hurt bad because I had so much to tell her and not being able to do that really sucked. But reading her sms about what she had done and how I should feel at 2 in the morning really struck home at heart and I almost felt as if that for that moment, there was nothing in this world that her love couldnt solve. And at that moment, I guessed I understood what the powers behind Harry Potter's scar really symbolized.

Its a terrible feeling knowing that my inability is causing so much stress and distress to my loved ones but in a way, I guess I'm actually thankful for this for exposing this spiritual support group. And I must admit that if I were to remain stoic and heroic in front of them then the person truly inside must have already died by now. So at their expense, I guess I just had to indluge in that for abit.

Its also a wretched feeling not being able to fully involve myself in my beliefs and thoughts for the fear of experiencing a greater fall. I get all the shit about how the higher one climbs, the higher one falls but I also believe that I'll get no where if I don't bother climbing at all. The future and what it holds scares me to death. I have had so many dreams about the exact ideal life that now includes waking up for school / work in new york, lunching with friends, having dinner with the family and then kicking back in front of the tele and all that just seems so uncertain because I don't even know if I can safely get past this shit emotionally, physically and mentally.

I guess I've still grasping at straws here because I'm still looking for the avenues for help. I am that desperate for a life where I don't have to go through such turmoil.

Alas, the past week has been such an emotional rollercoaster that I don't even ever remember being so charged up all at once. I guess at least I feel human again.

I need to find the strength in me to work this out and that I will do tonight. I have to and I must because thats the only way I am going to get where I want. The life I will have eventually, eventually even if it means shit in the hellhole. The life with mum, dad, tiff and all the special friends that will always be an integral part. The life that I have slaved for for so many years now. That, I will achieve.

But first I need the sun to shine on my airconditioned ass again.

kenn thwacked an asshat munchkin' at 9:40 PM

Sunday, March 25

t.o.w. the black tape

Insulating black tape.

Everything seems to be moving so fast, changing so fast and it just seems that nothing ever lasts. The past few days have been such a emotional rollercoaster for me. And it scares me how I'm afraid to embrace the happy times wholeheartedly because I know they will never last and how I refuse to even feel during the bad times as though it will all blow away.

I know seek refuge in my own happy place on the couch in the lives and emotions of others in other to feel whole again and sometimes it makes me wonder if I'm living a hollow, half full at its best.

Anyway. The only thing I loved this entire week is how much quality time I spent with mother. From seeing the specialist, to watching hongkong dramas the whole week and to taking cab rights up and down town - she has been the most wonderful rock / centre / whatever that I will ever find.

It makes me proud to know that I can draw strength from this during all the army shit. Still I need to stop whining about it and suck it up because at the end of the day, there's only 1 important question and thats - do I make YOU proud?

kenn thwacked an asshat munchkin' at 11:52 PM

Sunday, March 18

t.o.w. the demise of the penguin

POPo!

So it is with much gusto and pride and perhaps a tint of regret that I say I completed my BMT! I must say towards the end, I grew really attached to the people and the island (of which this one comes under a regret). So even though my BMT experience was not nearly as complete as others in terms of military skills (again under regret for slacking too much), I do think I've learnt a lot about myself and where I fit in in this mayhemic place. But it definitely did not change me, it just reaffirmed what I had and perhaps enlightened me on what I tend to take for granted. All in all, a memorable experience with all time emotional highs (waving the platoon flag at the end of the 16k route march) and all time physical lows (field camp and scorpion stings). At the end of the day, I made a few fantastic friends and found a great encik who taught me quite a bit about life and all its crap, I must say.

I did become terribly vulgar in the process, but I do think I'll lose it back on the way.

And although it seems like I passed out, NS is JUST BEGINNING. I guess I'll just have to keep the faith and optimism that I had in the previous post and just keep on going. I know I'm not signing up for physical crap for sure but I guess theres a whole lot of crappish sergeants, warrant officers and officers that I need to be wary of and I guess that's where that comes in. I'm really ranting now, so shall stop.

So EXCUSE me.

kenn thwacked an asshat munchkin' at 9:14 PM