Today was the last official day of school for me.

12 years of basic schooling. Mostly flying silently under the radar and damn did I break out of that today.

Firstly, understand where I'm coming from. I'm a good quiet student. I don't yell out mid-lesson nor do I incite teachers to lecture me about adequate behavior during lessons. For most or rather all of my 12 years of schooling, I have always been the good boy.

That will not be remain in my legacy though. Today, in a sudden spur of emotion I yelled out at the end of the maths lecture, openly declaring my love for my dearest maths lecturer miss boo. She promptly invited me down to accept my kiss of death and shame from her 50 year old lips though I kindly declined. Of course, that was good enough to turn heads though. Still, I managed to get a free plate of chicken rice owing to my rare show of guts and stupidity. But I really was on a roll and barely 3 hours later, I was back at it again. This time, bored to wits ends during the bio lecture, I raised wenyi's metal pencilbox and clubbed (in legal levels of platonic affection) her on her head with it, thinking nothing of the repercussions. Just as I put the blunt though deadly weapon down on the table, I was immediately called out in front of the entire lecture group by the lecturer for being a childish woman-beater. I'm fine with the childish but I really wasnt beating. Heh.

So yeah. To anyone else I really don't think any of the above events bare any significance to their lives whatsover and I bet in a day or two barely anyone will remember or recall what I did or what I said but I was just thinking about it and damn I think I've a breakthrough here.

I've spent my 12 years in school ever-conscious of what people thought and how people might react and how it would affect me as an individual and it got extremely tiring. I would anticipate any reaction and come up with counter reactions and even counters to the reactions of my primary counters and counters to the reactions of... the chain would go on. Trust me when I say this but no matter how or what anyone would react or say, you can bet that I've not only thought of it before but also preempted any of the moves. I really was over-prepared. 10 years of escalating worrying and thinking and worrying, I believe. And then I got into hwachong and somehow I started to let go, and I refused to think too much because I knew all the pain and anxiety it brought but even then I was no where where I wanted to be. I wanted to be who I am for what I was and not have to lead a life of veneer facades and somehow, someway through the no doubt childish and immoral gestures and actions I pulled off today, I feel accomplished. Like I finally broke through the glass ceiling. And it was revolutionising and rejuvenating. After the dust from wenyi's head settled and my beetroot shaded face resumed its original tone after declaring my love for someone, I somehow felt reborn and energised and had that extra spring in my step and more than ready to do what I've always wanted to do, all by myself. Not that the person that I am is a loud bastardly whacker, but it feels good to know that what people think or feel will no longer impede the person that I'm still trying to be.

I'm a new person now.
I've broken free of my cacoon,
and this new hide is extra resilient.

I need to thank my clay marble. I've unwittingly moulded and shaped it into my very own marble. Jantu would be proud.

And no I'm not being self-deprecating by trying to mask the shame that I feel, I really have learnt to not give a damn about what you think. I don't think I every really will anymore, unless of course the person / place / event means too much for me to screw it up.

Fast-forward to saturday where I literally slept the whole day away. I managed to meet up with andre for lunch at manhattan though and now I'm starting to reconsider the whole scholarship bond thing. I desperately need clarity. Did anyone know that a freaking sophormore gets 8000 US dollars a month by being an INTERN at credit suisse. Yea. Fuck. Why didnt I migrate to new york 4 years ago when I had the chance. Fool fool fool fool fool.