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hello couch potatoes,

the plus-shaped cursor turns on channel me.

the green button takes you to the tagboard

and the brown round one turns on archives and exits.

happy surfing,

Friday, August 25

t.o.w. banging the going out

Today was the last official day of school for me.

12 years of basic schooling. Mostly flying silently under the radar and damn did I break out of that today.

Firstly, understand where I'm coming from. I'm a good quiet student. I don't yell out mid-lesson nor do I incite teachers to lecture me about adequate behavior during lessons. For most or rather all of my 12 years of schooling, I have always been the good boy.

That will not be remain in my legacy though. Today, in a sudden spur of emotion I yelled out at the end of the maths lecture, openly declaring my love for my dearest maths lecturer miss boo. She promptly invited me down to accept my kiss of death and shame from her 50 year old lips though I kindly declined. Of course, that was good enough to turn heads though. Still, I managed to get a free plate of chicken rice owing to my rare show of guts and stupidity. But I really was on a roll and barely 3 hours later, I was back at it again. This time, bored to wits ends during the bio lecture, I raised wenyi's metal pencilbox and clubbed (in legal levels of platonic affection) her on her head with it, thinking nothing of the repercussions. Just as I put the blunt though deadly weapon down on the table, I was immediately called out in front of the entire lecture group by the lecturer for being a childish woman-beater. I'm fine with the childish but I really wasnt beating. Heh.

So yeah. To anyone else I really don't think any of the above events bare any significance to their lives whatsover and I bet in a day or two barely anyone will remember or recall what I did or what I said but I was just thinking about it and damn I think I've a breakthrough here.

I've spent my 12 years in school ever-conscious of what people thought and how people might react and how it would affect me as an individual and it got extremely tiring. I would anticipate any reaction and come up with counter reactions and even counters to the reactions of my primary counters and counters to the reactions of... the chain would go on. Trust me when I say this but no matter how or what anyone would react or say, you can bet that I've not only thought of it before but also preempted any of the moves. I really was over-prepared. 10 years of escalating worrying and thinking and worrying, I believe. And then I got into hwachong and somehow I started to let go, and I refused to think too much because I knew all the pain and anxiety it brought but even then I was no where where I wanted to be. I wanted to be who I am for what I was and not have to lead a life of veneer facades and somehow, someway through the no doubt childish and immoral gestures and actions I pulled off today, I feel accomplished. Like I finally broke through the glass ceiling. And it was revolutionising and rejuvenating. After the dust from wenyi's head settled and my beetroot shaded face resumed its original tone after declaring my love for someone, I somehow felt reborn and energised and had that extra spring in my step and more than ready to do what I've always wanted to do, all by myself. Not that the person that I am is a loud bastardly whacker, but it feels good to know that what people think or feel will no longer impede the person that I'm still trying to be.

I'm a new person now.
I've broken free of my cacoon,
and this new hide is extra resilient.

I need to thank my clay marble. I've unwittingly moulded and shaped it into my very own marble. Jantu would be proud.

And no I'm not being self-deprecating by trying to mask the shame that I feel, I really have learnt to not give a damn about what you think. I don't think I every really will anymore, unless of course the person / place / event means too much for me to screw it up.

Fast-forward to saturday where I literally slept the whole day away. I managed to meet up with andre for lunch at manhattan though and now I'm starting to reconsider the whole scholarship bond thing. I desperately need clarity. Did anyone know that a freaking sophormore gets 8000 US dollars a month by being an INTERN at credit suisse. Yea. Fuck. Why didnt I migrate to new york 4 years ago when I had the chance. Fool fool fool fool fool.
kenn thwacked an asshat munchkin' at 11:50 PM

Saturday, August 19

t.o.w. my s paper essay

I am a happy camper.

At least yesterday I was. Today I'm pretty much bummed about not having done much of organic chem and having fared really badly in trigo. Oh well. I did get my hair cut and my caffeine fix though, so I guess it all evens out. Balance hur.

Anyway! I was extremely pleased with myself last night because I got back 2 econs s paper essays that were graded distinction and I mean it when I say I really feel comforted and somewhat more confident about econs now. The days after block test 2 were extremely dark days, but now things are looking up again. Although one of them I felt I didnt deserve even a merit and the other I felt was highly subjective because of the teacher's bias, I'm still pleased. You should ask me for a treat these few days if you catch me still smiling my butt away. Just watch how my butt clenches every now and then. I think its hormonal or nervous controlled. Heh.

Anyway. The new phrase for the remaining 3.5 months is MAKE IT WORK. That's right. The prelims are nearing and each day the threat of not being able to fulfill my dream looms around. Even though I have my american flag, make it work postit notes, IheartNY cup and the star spangled banner playing out on my stereo, I really wonder whether I'll break. The mere thought terrifies me because I know I can only do so much. Sucks for me, but I really don't know what I can do to make it better. I guess I can only try and hope for the best.

University applications are really starting to bug me. I need to get references and sign up for sats and decide on this and that and seriously everything is starting to pile up. All the stops though, I really have gotta pull.

Everyday just before I sleep, I envision recieving a thick envelope from columbia the day I come back from the states and just as I start to rip open the seams, I pull back and stop myself from thinking anymore because everyone knows and I more than anyone else that the higher you think you'll climb, the higher you set yourself up for a terrible fall. As absurd and mad this may sound, it actually calms me and assures me that I'm working for the right cause.

Make it work like no other before, people.

Seriously, make it work.
kenn thwacked an asshat munchkin' at 9:51 PM

Friday, August 11

t.o.w. verklempt

Columbia seniors are damn nice.

This guy I met at Experiences 06 at the Columbia booth has been amazing help. He's a first year from Columbia and also a EDB scholar doing econs. Exactly what I want to do so its just perfect. He also couldnt be more helpful and kind throughout this very trying period when theres like a whole cascading barrage of crappish forms that I need to fill out and tests that I will need to take in order to get my butt on that flight on newark. But its definitely worth it.

Today we had silly talk on stress management and I'd just like to say that I will never ever give up. Of course its easy to say that when I havent recieved my grades yet and all I have are positive thoughts but then I really don't know what is gonna happen a few months down the road or if some random twist of fate will seriously pull me a one up but I guess its good enough for me to know that no matter what happens, I will always try to get to where I want. Cos at the end of the day, its the life.

Am particularly irritated with certain people who only seem to be able to bother themselves with stuff that I am doing so perfectly while they fumble up their own tasks. Focus people focus. All talk and act aint gonna get you no nowhere.

ARGH. So many decisions to make. Early or regular. 2 sats2 or 3 sats2. Early cycle scholarship or regular cycle. Who to write the references. What to write in the admission application. All that on top of the actualy studyin, well I really am going insane. Who ever thinks starting early is stupid should never be allowed to go in the first place. Rwar.

I'm verklempt.
kenn thwacked an asshat munchkin' at 10:29 PM