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hello couch potatoes,

the plus-shaped cursor turns on channel me.

the green button takes you to the tagboard

and the brown round one turns on archives and exits.

happy surfing,

Saturday, July 8

t.o.w. all the running

As the dark consumes me I can't help but feel honestly lonely.

Not that I'm so self-involved that I need to be talking about me 24/7 but some people that I talk to seem to care less about whats going on with me. And then the people whom I talk to often I realise I never do tell them whats going on anyway so I guess I don't blame them for not bothering. Its painfully sad when you look up and down your IM list and you realise that almost everyone on that list are strangers.

Anyway, I've been plagued with problems this couple of days but it seems all I'm capable of is running away, which is ironic given how I absolutely abhor physical running. But sometimes I guess we just need space.

I think I'm all about the chase. Which is also ironic given how I've actually unknowingly seen this blog through 180++ entries and 2 years. Still I think I dwell too much on what might be instead of focusing on ensuring that what I thought would be and is actually remains. I don't know if its natural for people to feel like that or maybe it just means that thats not what they really want. If thats the case then I'm at lost because then it probably means I've been living my entire life as a scam thinking that I know what I want when I actually don't. Thats real scary.

I think I've been a great letdown and I'm sorry to all whom I've managed to raise doubts about stuff that we all assumed to be given certains.

I guess I've been provoked into thinking deeper about what it is that I actually want and who exactly is the person that I am or am trying to be. This is life changing right here right now but I guess I've just been avoiding the issue because really I don't know what the result is and frankly I'm terrified of what the future holds. Sometimes I think the risk of losing all that I've built is simply not worth knowing that I could enjoy the rest of my (albeit longer) life being free. I say what I say as if I've come to a decision, but seriously and really, I've not and I hope this all just blows over. I want to be that person but what if I can't?

Life sucks man. Haha. But I guess without all these drama in our lives, it would be insanely boring and I bet you 'll find something to complain about. At least I'm preoccupied though.

Maybe I should pick up drinking and be like Kirsten and become an alcoholic. It really is the passport to delayed sorrow and right now I could use that. Most unfortunately, I bet no one will come for my intervention because I mean it when I say this but no one in this world would know about my drinking problem (if any of course, I'm not that stupid) because I'm a master when it comes to facading my life in thick veneer.

Sandy says that we can bend it all we want but its not going to break.

I pray that I'm not broken.
kenn thwacked an asshat munchkin' at 9:42 PM