televisions' life support

Sunday, July 30

t.o.w. the motivational entry

Damn is this place rusty.

I need to get used to it though. Given how I am so motivated to study and my impeccable study plan, I don't see how I'm going to be able to divest any time from that to here anyway. But yeah. This entry will serve to point out how much I need to study whenever I'm feeling lazy and/or sleepy.

I hate rust btw. Just today when I was filing my stuff I realised my GP file was rusting a little so I took it all out and replaced the entire file. Oh, and the tide really is changing. I think my fear of lizards is subsiding somewhat. Granted I still jump up whenever they run off but I have become accustomed to seeing this pregnant dark brown lizard hanging out on my phone adaptor. I figured it needs the warmth for its fetuses so I shant prod it too much, not that I would dare to do it anyway even though the thought of having many tiny baby lizards creeping around my study table creeps me out a tad bit. Oh well.

Anyway! Yes. Study hard people. I know I need to. Now that I fully know what I want and what I need to do to get there, I really need to work. And I must say, its going quite alright these couple of days. On Monday after DH, I wanted to go to bed but then I saw the star spangled banner that I have fluttering on my calendar to remind me how important time is and then I decided to be good and study more. If I keep this up, I am going to rock this world. =D

Of course I need to know I'm working for the right reason. Working for the life I have always wanted in the city and country that I have always wanted to be a part of. Working for the future that will present immense opportunities for growth in all tangible/intangible aspects. Working for the responsibility of living on my own that comes along with the elusive dangling freedom and liberation carrot. Working for the many plenty bonds that I will form during the course of the hopefully never-ending experience. And of course, working to realise my american dream.

Its nice when you phrase it like that. But damn is it going to be hard. 4 months of sellout hardwork and I really don't know if I have what it takes to keep going all the way. I'm no marathoner. Still, I try and no matter what happens if one day I have to ever look back at the entire process and go "at least I tried my best", then I want this entry to serve as a reminder that I indeed gave it my all and that no "coulda been" will ever haunt me for the rest of my life.

It pains me to say that because it pumps reality into the dream. And the fact is that if I don't do well enough to get accepted or get a scholarship then the dream just might stay a deam. The world sucks because now I know that no matter how hard you try and how much you put in, you really need to luck out at times. But of course, there is no point in talking about luck and whether its here or not if I don't have the results to bid for luck at all.

Fine then! Work your butt off, Kenneth!

Just keep trucking, just keep trucking!

kenn thwacked an asshat munchkin' at 9:34 PM

Sunday, July 16

t.o.w. i'm ashamed

I am ashamed of myself.

Today I asked my parents about maybe sending me to London instead cos its just 3 years and I guess will cost less. Actually maybe not seeing as how everying friggin thing in London is so expensive. Did you know that a ticket to the mens final at wimbledon costs about 3000 pounds, which is like 10000 sing. Oh well.

And just now, I was considering changing my password from "newyorknewyork" to something else. Granted I still changed it in the end, I guess it was more of a ashamed-sorry gesture.

I changed the password but then again if you are reading this, you probably found your way in again. I appreciate how some of you bother to hack in. I am proud of you. In future, I am going to put long sentences like"the fox jumped over the sleeping dog and woke it up and got eaten and died and came out as poo which went into the soil as fertiliser" as my password just so I get the kick out of you typing them everytime the page loads. Hee. OH. BIG small lEtTeRs!

I swear my spelling is killing me. I spelt staff room as stuff roam and later as letter. At least I can pride myself on misspelling english words with the very least, english words.

Anyhow. I am a disgrace to my fellow american-dreamers.

kenn thwacked an asshat munchkin' at 10:23 PM

Saturday, July 15

t.o.w. maybe its time

Time to focus on me and stop running away.

These are dark times and unlike before, I'm actually not sure that I'm going to get out of this one. I don't know what I'm doing really and I frankly can't believe what I have (not) done. Someone needs to snap me out of this mood and its going to take a lot more than the normal "i'm here for you" and "anything you need". Its so funny how the people that heap all their problems on to you are no where to be found when they're ok.

Makes you wonder a bit about the role you play in this world.

At this moment, there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world.
Some are running scared. Some are coming home.
Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth.
Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil.
6 billion people in the world, 6 billion souls. And sometimes, all you need is one.

Anyway. In case you are still clueless and hopelessly dumb, I'm not feeling particularly erm , chair'y or bum-on-seat metaphorically - grounded. That's not what this is about.

kenn thwacked an asshat munchkin' at 10:38 PM

Friday, July 14

t.o.w. the caffeine rush

OMG.

Instead of being an aspiring alcoholic, I am now a full fledged caffeineoholic.

I had a cup of american expresso today and for a bit I was like the energiser bunny minus the cuteness and the somewhat creepyness and now just barely 2 hours later I'm ready to sleep.

Either caffeine has absolutely no effect on me or I need a higher dosage.

Ahh. Spoken like a true junkie.

I love my coffee.

Coke can kick my ass.

Yea. I'm a big boy now.

kenn thwacked an asshat munchkin' at 11:19 PM

Thursday, July 13

t.o.w. the recaps

I think this blog is getting too broodish and insipid for the average reader.

I shall be nice and stray away from emo-bemo stuff and stick to the blogging routine.

I recently took my bio blocks make up. Right up to the start of the test, I was fully certain that I would cheat my way through the test. Alas, to great avail the mother of a teacher (whom I think is related to Zhiyong so I shall reserve the expletives) actually made me take the test right in the staff room at some empty table under the watchful eye of balding Mr. Kairul. Amazed, I was not. However, the adage that talks about how the most dangerous places are actually the safest places is quite true and now I am an egregious purveyor of cheating in staff rooms.

On another note, I sense things changing around class. People seem to be different and everyone just seems a whole lot happier. Works for me. Of course, even if I have to smile and laugh along with everyone even when I feel like ripping their guts out and splashing them in the central plaza, its still pretty calming. I guess just the act of smiling has that effect on you, fake or not. Anyway, for the most part I'm a happy broody dopey. So erm, I'm not hypocritical all the time, just in case you dweebs are wondering.

Maybe you should wonder. Then you'll learn to think more about others instead of always putting your big fat arse in front. Change is good, think about me for a while every now and then. I'll like you more and I'm sure you for me too and maybe then the world will be a better place. Yum.

In other horrible news. I bungled up econs real bad and am now seriously doubting my capabilities. But seriously, I think I've just been a real big ass in not taking it seriously and simply taking it for granted. I shall love econs even more than before now.

Don't know how to do that with Evelyn Ong as the S Paper tutor though.

Damn.

Anyway. I just want to sound a warning out to all you mambo-jumbo-bimbo freaks out there who are here without me actually providing you the password. YOU ARE A FREAK.

I love all of you though.

You make me feel like I'm worth the hacking effort. =D

kenn thwacked an asshat munchkin' at 9:57 PM

Saturday, July 8

t.o.w. all the running

As the dark consumes me I can't help but feel honestly lonely.

Not that I'm so self-involved that I need to be talking about me 24/7 but some people that I talk to seem to care less about whats going on with me. And then the people whom I talk to often I realise I never do tell them whats going on anyway so I guess I don't blame them for not bothering. Its painfully sad when you look up and down your IM list and you realise that almost everyone on that list are strangers.

Anyway, I've been plagued with problems this couple of days but it seems all I'm capable of is running away, which is ironic given how I absolutely abhor physical running. But sometimes I guess we just need space.

I think I'm all about the chase. Which is also ironic given how I've actually unknowingly seen this blog through 180++ entries and 2 years. Still I think I dwell too much on what might be instead of focusing on ensuring that what I thought would be and is actually remains. I don't know if its natural for people to feel like that or maybe it just means that thats not what they really want. If thats the case then I'm at lost because then it probably means I've been living my entire life as a scam thinking that I know what I want when I actually don't. Thats real scary.

I think I've been a great letdown and I'm sorry to all whom I've managed to raise doubts about stuff that we all assumed to be given certains.

I guess I've been provoked into thinking deeper about what it is that I actually want and who exactly is the person that I am or am trying to be. This is life changing right here right now but I guess I've just been avoiding the issue because really I don't know what the result is and frankly I'm terrified of what the future holds. Sometimes I think the risk of losing all that I've built is simply not worth knowing that I could enjoy the rest of my (albeit longer) life being free. I say what I say as if I've come to a decision, but seriously and really, I've not and I hope this all just blows over. I want to be that person but what if I can't?

Life sucks man. Haha. But I guess without all these drama in our lives, it would be insanely boring and I bet you 'll find something to complain about. At least I'm preoccupied though.

Maybe I should pick up drinking and be like Kirsten and become an alcoholic. It really is the passport to delayed sorrow and right now I could use that. Most unfortunately, I bet no one will come for my intervention because I mean it when I say this but no one in this world would know about my drinking problem (if any of course, I'm not that stupid) because I'm a master when it comes to facading my life in thick veneer.

Sandy says that we can bend it all we want but its not going to break.

I pray that I'm not broken.

kenn thwacked an asshat munchkin' at 9:42 PM

Friday, July 7

t.o.w. the perfect day

In the perfect day...

I would wake up at 10am.

I would enjoy a my breakfast meekiatah.

My bed would make itself.

I would play 2 rounds of mahjong and win.

I would enjoy a nice lunch.

I would then enjoy a nice siesta.

I would wake up in the early evening and enjoy tennis.

Of course, all my shots will hit the line and I will scream my venus williams shriek everytime.

I would then come home to the beckoning arms of television and squall the night away imagining the life that I might have.

Night will consume me and I will wake up the next day feeling accomplished and contented.

I think I could achieve such a life when I'm past 60. I feel confident about that though I wonder what kind of show I'll be watching. Maybe Oprah.

At least today I got to do most of the things I love.

Friends are important and all but I guess in the end, no friend is family. (I love the extended family a lot but I'm talking real blood here though.)

kenn thwacked an asshat munchkin' at 9:46 PM

Saturday, July 1

t.o.w. the gay OC addiction

I love OC. I love OC. I love OC.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say its as good as one tree hill, albeit in different ways.

I love the family chemistry of the Cohens and Ryan. Sandy and Kirsten are amazing parents and to have a brother like Ryan is to be in the prescence of true luck.

In my honest opinion, Ryan and Seth would make the nicest gay couple in the world. Zack could be the mistress, except I don't know the gay, male version of "mistress", so I'm just going to leave it at that.

You know, I totally immerse myself in their lifes so much so that in between scene transitions when the screen goes blank, I see my sad black haired reflection of myself in the screen and then wallow in self pity that I am not living in the US. BUT SOON I WILL BE. Muahhaa.

The scene where Seth runs after Ryan only to see him waiting at the door is hinting at possible MAJOR twists in the storyline. =)

I like.

kenn thwacked an asshat munchkin' at 9:19 PM