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hello couch potatoes,

the plus-shaped cursor turns on channel me.

the green button takes you to the tagboard

and the brown round one turns on archives and exits.

happy surfing,

Friday, June 16

t.o.w. all the emo

I was blog sprawling a while ago and damn arent people in the emo brood mood around here.

Must be the very wet gloomy grey weather. Anyway, its spurred me to do a little writing myself ; just to stimulate the brain in other ways not studying and well to practice writing.

Because I want to do well for GP. Taking that a side, I have to do well for GP and all the other subjects. Not neccessarily because I want to but because I need to in order to get what I want.

Sometimes I think I'm shallow because even though I think the world about the life that I want, I bet its a brow-raiser if people are to hear of it. It really is stupid. Inambitious. But yet, in order to get there, I'm gonna have to work my ass off.

Since the foreboding of this entry seems like a 10-things-bad-about-me kinda issue, I guess I'd just go along. I hate that I'm so private. That I don't live it up and show the world who I really am. Bree's right baby, pretences rule the world. But damn are they tiring. I don't know if thats why I like my alone time so much because thats really truly the only time when I think I'm true to who I am. The whole damn bloody world just judges too much and even though I guess the onus is on us to rise above that and accept us for ourselves, I'm just not capable. Oh how I admire Andre from Runway 2. He'd actually wear a green singlet and yellow pt shorts and walk down Broadway and Times Square in New York. Heck it, I don't care if you score 20 million As or if you run a 30 second mile, you are nothing unless you accept yourself for the real person you are. And thats why for now and the very near future, I will be nothing, because I cannot stand the way the world judges. Ok maybe the way Singapore judges. I judge. I judge more than anyone I know. Maybe thats why I'm tentative. Anyway. I just read Ronald's entry about friends and stuff like that and I'm real sorry to all my close friends, but the real truth is I haven't been 100% real with you at all. Well at least if you think I'm ditzy and mad, you're a step closer. But I think I ask that from people, but I know its impossible. I'm just fucking afraid of what is going to happen if I leave this nice protected cove.

And talking about Ronald's entry. Damn is he right. I think sometimes we arent content and once we acquire something, we then look forward and ask for more. So how are relationships and partners going to figure this out if what they have isnt real? And then again, how the heck do you know whats real. You can tell yourself that its something you've never experienced before or something new and absolutely different but then you never really know what real is and maybe if real is good enough.

This is depressing.

So is my studying. But at least the kenneth-hotbod plan is back on track.

I think I think I think too highly of myself. In many ways, I haven't been the person that I've set out to be. Sure, I think I could do whatever needs to be done and impress, but the root of the matter is that I'm ultimately doing it with wrong reason.

Just like what I'm doing with my life this year.

And I don't know if it could be considered a sacrifice at all but hey, at least I know what I want.

A lot of things in my life I knew I wanted but for a while I was going about getting them the wrong way. Even though I was sure I was right, I still turned out wrong. So now I'm lost.

Peyton is right. 6,470,818,671 souls in this world and only 1 matters.

Yourself. If you don't get who you are and if you don't accept who you are. Then the other 6,470,818,670 people are just but mocking.

Because they think they know and they think that they have it and so they mock and judge and criticise. How you dress, how you think, how you walk, how you smile, how you talk, how you live your OWN life. But they actually don't. No one is truly sure about who they are.

You just see yourself the way you want to be seen.

Maybe thats just best.

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Damn! The last portion of this entry is totally OTH-fitting. I can imagine peyton doing the voice over.

I Like.
kenn thwacked an asshat munchkin' at 8:40 PM