televisions' life support

Wednesday, November 16

t.o.w. kenneth takes on china

Hello you fools, Kenneth blogs from the comfort of his room in the luxurious Shangri-la Hotel in Shanghai.

Do not be mistaken though, this is probably just the one good thing in this amazingly sedate and irritating trip. Well, here's the lowdown.

Day 1 - Flight to Shanghai
In retrospect, the flight last year from Singapore all the way to Newark was probably damning. I now no longer appreciate any of the inflight frills that economy offers. Executive economy, you see, comes with LEATHER headrests. It seems the only choice I have now apart from executive economy is business. But without a family fortune of 20 billion dollars nor a charitable sponsor, that option is out of question. But what really irked me is the timing of the inflight services. It wasnt a very long flight, so I thought I'd get in a movie and then sleep the rest of the time away. But the irritating schedule has it such that by the time the movie just about finishes and you get settled in with the static blanket and the FABRIC headrest, they then begin to serve breakfast. Fine then, the trouble is that they take eons to clear the meal trays so all that I could do was to watch Will & Grace. Not that I'm complaining though, it probably is the best comedy series never to hit our sandy shores. I tried watching Sex and the City just to see what the whole hype is about, but I never got it. Maybe its because I'm not yet nearing menopause. Anyway, when they finally did clear the trays, I got settled it again and by now, they inform us to bloody MOVE OUR SEAT UPRIGHT to get ready for landing. Great planning SQ.

Anyway. Just so anyone wonders, Flightplan is absolute bull. I went to the toilet and tried to do a jodie foster aka lift the ceiling of the toilet up as if it it weighed a total 0.317 grams. There is no such thing. The ceiling is wielded shut. Oh wait. Maybe I'm just weak. Maybe I'm weaker than Jodie Foster. Well, but she is strong. She did carry a six year old under her cloak.

Day 2 - Cheap Hotels and Chino
Yesterday, I was on SQ. As compared to other travellers on China Southern or Cathay Pacific, I was from Newport. Today, I reside in a cheap low-level hotel in town and I am now from Chino. (OC terms, but I'll get to that in a minute) But what really amazed me the moment I got out of the plane was the general social etiquette or rather the lack thereof. The airport officials were grim, sour-faced looking people with a bout of negative energy surrounding those foreboding foreheads. Bad signs people, bad signs. When asked questions, they act as if you just asked an incredibly ridiculous question that does not warrant even a nod of the head. And when not asked anything, they shout at you like rugrats out of line. Great impression, China. So this went on for quite a while till I cleared the customs and all and reached the hotel. There was a marked difference in manners. The staff were polite and happy to be of service. Great positive energy around them that seemed to make all go well. So, I made a hasty deduction (that will soon be supported after my trip), that the Chinese people are capable of great manners and social decorum, they just need to see you as important, rich people who are potential customers. In short, good service comes with a price in China. I'm not saying that you know, Singapore isnt like this at all. It really is, but to a much less extent. We arent as polite nor friendly as westerners but we are getting there. Neither are we as rude nor crass as the Chinese. We're kind off in between the West and China, which in geographic terms, is very true. So theres that. Anyway, I'm in my hotel room and I find a great show on TV. Dong You Ji! The Singaporean edition! The Eight Immortals Crossing The Sea Edition. Yea yea. I'm a happy freak. As westernised as I am, I'm still a sucker for these shows. =) Ok. Back to the Shanghainese. It seems Kenneth and Shanghainese Chinese do not go well together. First of all, I don't get whats the big rush in Shanghai. Everyone is rushing. No one runs, but everyone walks briskly. I think its contagious because when among them you just feel compelled to walk fast. On the way to the tennis stadium, we were at the subway and our cards didnt seem to work. I would tap on the sensor but nothing would happen. So I tried it many times and then one time, I decided to just try to barge through the barrier. This was not a pretty sight, with my weight and all. But the man behind, evidently bored and tired of waiting for me to clear the gantry, was all hyped up at the sight of me walking forward and he decided to tap his card. His worked but I was still behind the gantry, so that when I pushed, I made it across but not him. It was quite a sight. He yelling at shouting and pointing and me running and jumping, dodging the verbal abuse and trying to direct everyone to think it was an old man's doing with my sight.

I need paragraphs. Sorry all you 4-eyed fools.

Next incident. I was walking along the tracks of the subway and then this woman dressed in all-white as though she was Santa's elf stranded in snow, barged right into me. Instead of apologising or having a remotely sorried facial expression, she said in the loudest fashion, "TSK" and glared as though them big eyes could send me flying across the track into the path of the coming train in a Susan Storm move. I really like the people here.

Ok. Many such incidents later, I finally reached the tennis center, which is a dumb 1.5 hour travel from the city. But it is grand and it is nice. It's just not easily accessible. Right. Anyway, so we are watching good tennis! Nalbandian and Federer was really good. Ljubicic and Coria wasnt that great but it was still ok. Its really quite different to watch tennis live. You cant flip channels when you are bored, there are no instant replays and the ball moves a lot faster. I guess you really have to experience it live just once. But yeah. More of that later. Anyway, amidst the good tennis action, the language milieu of the Chinese striked again. They would shout "hao qiu" at every single shot! Not that I mind the "timeless" chinese language, but shouting in between points? God! So if anyone watches the live telecast on Starsports, you can't hear me shouting C'mon Gaudio or C'mon Agassi. But if you do hear people shushing the crowd up, you can be certain that I'm among the select few on the misson to save the tennis fraternity from the crass behavior of the Chinese. =) Also a bad day for me at the office as both my players, Nalbandian and Coria lost. I think its something to do with the colour orange. Both were clad in orange. Not to mention that Coria was in a Nadal-like lycra suit that made it look like he had saggy breasts. But thats a whole other story I guess.

The Chinese people also have another weird habit. Most of them of course do not like to answer questions, but those that do because they see you as a paying customer like to answer all questions in an extremely earnest fashion with all the wrong answers. I call it the I-Don't-Know-But-I'll-Tell-You-Gungho Attitude. Just like this asshole usher who told his buses were present at all exits when clearly that was not true, so we had to track like 20 minutes to the correct bus stop which was actually just like 5 mins away from where we originally were. It really is sweet. Makes up for all the other bad points.

And so after just one single day in China, I lay wide awake on my very hard bed and wonder what I would do if I had to live here. What if by some dumbass joke played on by fate and I would go to an american university and work for an american bank just to get posted to work in China. I think I would jeopardise the plane midway and maybe fall down to live in Jordan. Since bombs have a knack for not going off as planned there, I might have a chance. After all, I did watch Flightplan you know.

Day 3 - The Big Letdown
Woke up late at around 11 and then we bummed around town waiting for my mum to get into Shanghai. Today is also the day when I get upgraded back to Newport Status. My mum's arrival no less. When she did arrive, we checked into Shangri-La, which is really spank. With my mum's underworld connections and mafia friends, we managed to get the largest hotel room in Shanghai. I love my mum. =) Anyway. More tennis today. Nadal and Gaudio and Agassi and Davydenko. The Agassi match was pretty good even though he lost. I was quite surprised that shit-head davydenko has fans in China. I thought the Chinese would think of his name as some weird mongolian dish. But nyeh. Anyway. The greatest saddest news was that Nadal would not be able to play. And I was BUMMED. I reallly was. More so than when Hewitt or Roddick dropped out because I really wanted to see Nadal play. Argh. So much for being my favourite player. Shucks. Nvm, at least I got to see him in person when he took to the courts to explain whats going on. Now, thats class. I like him even more now. Haha.

Anyway, shithead Puerta took Nadals' place and thank god because Gaudio made quickwork of him =) Anyway, once again, both Agassi and Puerta had orange on their clothes. Sad. Anyway. After Agassi's match. My heart plummeted once again when he announced that he would also be withdrawing from the competition. That's just great. Really. All the four of my favourite players pulled out of the fucking competition. And when the tournament for the top 8 gets the 13th ranked player, something is obviously wrong. But really, there is nothing I can do I guess. Just pure luck. I got good tennis though. Just not the people I'd like. My luck. My luck. My fucking luck.

So, I'm already riled up. The journey home made things no better. Chinese people are rude, insolent and fucking shallow. I'm sorry to all who feel like I'm adhoc'ing with this statement but I'm making a comment based on what I've experienced. So, we're waiting for the bus in the queue. Foreigners and Chinese people. While the foreigners wait silently in the queue, the Chinese just walk up front of you as if you are non-existent and just cut your queue like that. They also push and shove and elbow their way into the bus just so they can get a seat even though others have been in line for like eons before. But Kenneth will take no such nonsense. So when it came to our turn, I think I elbowed one guy "accidentally" in the groin region cos' he was trying to shove my mum out of the way. The audacity he had. I hope he has plenty of mutated kids from now on. Nyeh, k thats bad. But yeah, I managed to get a seat anyway. Hah.

You know. Its just weird that people think of Singaporeans as kiasu, they really should see the Chinese at work. Its a whole other definition of kiasu. At least us Singaporeans are clever enough to embrace it as part of our culture. The Chinese are too dumb to even think of it as a problem.

Day 4 - Dunks! Dunks! Dunks!
Err. Woke up late again. Did I mention that my room has automated day and night curtains. You just click on the button and the curtains just swish in and out like that. Haha. Anyway. I have found another enjoyable thing to do during the trip. Watch OC! Haha. Thanks to the shi'ster the punkster who supposedly misses me very badly. HAHA. I managed to get the dvds and am enjoying it! Haha. K la, I still think OTH rules all but OC is not bad. =) So yep, I think I watched 3 epis in the morning. Haha. Err, then went shopping with my mum. Haha, we found this place where the stuff is really cheap and I found my dunks! But still not that cheap la, so I decided to go back and sleep on it. But bought clothes and other good stuff. Ya, shopping here is good. =)

K. Then went for the evening singles session to see Federer, Ljubicic and Nalbandian, Coria. Now these matches were good. Both of them were. While I think most enjoued the Federer, Ljubicic more, I kinda liked the all Argentine affair better just cos' it had better rallies. But yeah, at least the tennis was good. Once again, Ljubicic and Coria were in orange. I am going to sucker-punch diadora if they make Gaudio wear orange. Matches ended late so reached the hotel at about 1. Too tired to do anything so just slept. Ehh. My MSN is not working! And all the other common web-based messengers too! I need help! Argh...

Day 5 - Anti-Tennis
Given the withdrawal of Nadal and Agassi. The gold group now consists of shit players with the exception of Gaudio. So decided not to make the 3 hour trip to and fro just for him. Pity though, I wanted to support my dear ponytailed friend. Haha. But yeah. So I slacked the whole morning away and watched another disc of OC. Haha. I like Seth. I like Sandy and Ryan is ok lah. The females are all ok except for Summer, who I hate to the core. She is so Season 1 Brooke like lah. I hope she changes. Haha. Anyway, went back to get my dunks and even more good stuff. =)

Anyway. Reached the hotel in time to see Gaudio lose. Extremely sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. My poor ponytailed friend. I hope he thrashes Gonzalez on Friday. But he played quite well to get from 1-4 to 4-4. Too little too late I guess. After that went swimming at the hotel pool and went to the jetpool and sauna. Nicee. I shall exercise more often to work my flab away. The Shanghainese may be rude, but they sure can cook.

Day 6 - Ale Roger!
Ahhh. I just blogged about Day 6 and Blogger lost my entry! Argh. Nvm, I'm on holiday and off MSN, which I still can't figure out. I shall re-blog.

So I woke up early today for breakfast and then went shopping. Came back and then watched OC. Ahh. Finally there are signs that Summer may not be all bimbo bad. Then I went to swim another 30 laps. Ahh. I feel so fit now. I think I can sucker-punch Jodie Foster. And you know what, I won't even feel bad. Haha.

Anyway. Tennis today was good. I expected more from Nabby and Ljubicic but Nabby won 2 and 2. So thats that. I'm happy. Ljubicic looked off though, I think it was his ankle or something. I don't know. Anyway. I didnt expect much from Federer and Coria but that turned out really good because of the whole see-saw momentum turns. Really good. Pity Coria couldnt pull it out in the end. But I admire Coria. He hits meanie groundstrokes. And he is damn charismatic. Not like boring Uncle Roger. Anyway. Live tennis really is good! I just don't know how to describe the feeling in words. Its like when everyone watches a rock band live for the first time and everyone likes it but no one really says so. Yeah. Its that kind of subtle joy. But its still very good. Anyway. Gaudio tomorrow! I'm still torn and don't know if I should go down to support him. Cos' I read that he may have tanked his Davydenko match to try and get around playing Roger in the SF. So I'm not sure yet. I'll check his head to head with Gonzalez and Grandpa Davy later. If he really did tanked his match, I don't think I'll go, I don't like tankers. But for now, go Gaudio!!!

Anyway. During the Federer match, there was this Federer fan who kep shouting "Ale Roger". I recognise him from TV. I think his job is to fly around the world where ever Federer plays and try to unite the fans. I think that is an amazing job. Maybe I'll start a Nadal, Gaudio or Capriati version. Heheh. But I'll need money to bankroll the operation though. I think after I murder Jodie Foster's character, I'll grab all her money. Designing a state of the art plane has to have its benefits.

Also, more to complain about the Chinese assholes. So we were waiting for a cab and then these 3 grown men just walked up front of us and tried to hail our cab. And they bloody got in even though I managed to squeal in my broken Chinese in this direct translation of "You no hear before queue." They thought of it as an unknown language! Is it?Anyway, I responded in the way all Singaporeans know how - with my trusty finger. But the extent of the message getting across is questionable because I think they must have thought that I was demonstrating the ancient lost art of the Yiyang Finger. Well, it actually isnt hard at all. Just flash your finger in all directions quickly and wildy at anyone you see and chant this sutra "Fuck You! Fuck You!". You'll soon realise that this art is not lost and is in fact an innate skill in everyone.

Gaudio for Shanghai!

Day 7 - My Shangri-la
I basically did shit today except for enjoy my hotel. Haha. Xiang Ge Li La as the locales put it. It really is quite a good place. I recommend it to both ronald macdonald the freako and kaojun the tennis maniac. Heh. Hmm. The service is not bad. There is free wireless internet access in the room. A super large toilet that I know is bigger than some people's rooms, nice food, nice swimming pool a nice health club, complimentary fruits and chocolates everyday. CHOCOLATES!!! A dvd player in the room, flat screen tv, tv in the toilet so you can soak in the tub and still watch tv. And most importantly, the automated day and night curtains. My personal favourite. Heh. So yeah. I basically didnt do much today. Watched 3 epis of OC, slept and went to the health club for a while in a bid to sweat for the first time in days. I also watched Gaudio's match on TV today. OMG. It was good. Stupid shit head Gaudio, he had me biting my fingernails the whole time. But my dear ponytailed friend pulled it out. =) Yea! Gaudio for Shanghai! =) I hope he beats Federer tomorrow. Yea! And Nalbandian too! Then it can be an all Argentine affair. I'm beginning to like Argentina now. The States, Spain and now Argentina! And if I ever master Spanish, I'll be able to communicate efficiently in all 3 countries! Woo! But really, the match was really good. Thoroughly enjoyed the match. I don't think I've ever gotten so involved in a match this year, especially with Jennifer not playing and all. Now I have Gaudio! Gaston! Vamos! Gane el torneo, usted puede hacerlo!

Oh. There was once when he adjusted his cap and it vaguely looked as though he was wearing a fake ponytail attached to his head by the cap. Heh. I hink I'm going to get me one of those. People around the world will call me Kaston Laudio. My my, what a great name. It does sound fashion designer'ish. Maybe I will have my own line of underwear soon. yuck.

Can I take a ferris wheel ride with you?

Day 8 - I hate Bagels.
Weep everyone, weep. My poor Gaudio was thumped in his semi-final match with asshat Federer. Everyone at the stadium got free bagels. I hate double bagels! Ass Federer. Couldnt he just give poor Gaudio one game. Arse. Anyway. My father was saying it was embarrassing for Gaudio. I promptly told him to fly his own kite, cos I think its remarkable that he managed to come in as an alternate and then reach the semis and that match against Gonzalez was pretty good. Just his luck that he met an in-form Federer on one of his bad hair days. Nothing to be embarrassed about. Gaudio still rocks. Speaking about bad hair, Gaudio has none. I managed to catch him practicing with his coach lah and he wasnt wearing his cap, so I had full view of his damn bunched up and nice ponytail. Err, Ok, its real. Haha. I have a weird fetish for ponytails. Nalbandian could grow on me. Oh yah. After the bagel, I think the swiss fans felt bad for Gaudio and so they all got together to cheer Nabby on. Haha. I think that was great. I have some pics. Will post them up later.

Anyway. Nabby's game was ok. He looks good though, might have a chance against Federer tomorrow. =) Jen, Rafa and G! Even though Gaudio isnt one of the top players on the tour, I still like him and that shows depth in tennis, which is evidently lacking in CHINA ASSHOLES given that they only know how to support the top player. ASSHATS. I hope the bloody yellow river floods on Tuesday after I leave. Heheh, then the world will be rid of all crass shitheads. I have more to complain about. These bloody assholes apparently bought tickets to have a social elitist party, not to watch tennis in its full top-8-minus-roddick-nadal-hewitt-safin-agassi-and-is-shit-glory. They keep talking lah! Like in between points, in between first and second serves and even during the point lah. I kept shushing them up today. Haha. But crass as they are, they probably don't get me. And they like to broadcast their commentaries on the match. They love to shout "hao qiu!" at every single shot, or try to tell the players what to do like shout "zhi xian!" "da guo qu!" ASSHOLES LAH. All these during play! How rude and shitty can CHINA get. I don't even bother about offending anyone, I'm super irritated now.

Oh. And they apparently have no shame. So loads of people seat in better seats in hope of lucking out and getting a better view. I think thats fine. But you would think that if the original seatholder came up to them, they would sheepishly shy away. BUT NO. They have the bloody cheek to tell the person to sit in another empty seat lah! Asshats. They know no shame. The Chinese only know chinese poop and chinese fuckery. Argh! And on the train, they are DUMB. The train is packed full when it arrives at the station. When the doors open, hordes of people want to get out but they cant because CHINA DWEEBS are forcing their way into the train. So in the end, no one gets off the train and no one gets on the train. Brilliant, simply brilliant. And even though there is no space on the train, they try to force their way into the bloody small cabin and everyone ends up knudging each other for space because if any of you thinks the Singapore MRT is bad during rush hour, you should totally check out Shanghai. I even had to shout out, in once again, my half broken chinese that there wasnt any space left on the train and that they should fuck off. But yeah, I didnt know how to communicate fuck off you dweeb in mandarin, so I stopped at ZOU KAI. Err. I think my pinyin is bad. Haha.

So yeah. In short. CHEENA FART CHINESE CHINA'IANS or whatever are RUDE, INSOLENT, CRASS, STUPID, DUMB and AMAZINGLY SHITHEADED ASSHATS. They should stop acting so yaya and prepare for the flood on Tuesday.

I'm calling National Geographic.

Hi, I'm calling on behalf of humanity and manners, can you please flood the Yellow River in China on Tuesday?

And if that doesnt work, I can always crash more planes in China. I have access to all these planes with Jodie Foster's ID.

Oh yah. I actually bought the dvd. Haha. =)

Now now, Argentina for Shanghai!

Day 9 - The Final Score
6-7 6-7 6-2 6-1 7-5. Amazing! Haha. It really was a great match but the icing on the cake was that Nalbandian beat Federer! Heheh. Wah lao, it was damn exciting lah. Especially the second set tiebreak, when it was setpoint after setpoint. And also to see Federer come back from 0-4 down in the fifth and then see Nalbandian save his ass in the final moments of the match by breaking Federer to get back to 6-6. Amazing, I tell you. I guess the entire tennis experience was simply fantastic! Taking away the long travelling time and the crass chinese crowd, the tennis was spectacular and the chance to see players like Nadal, Gaudio, Agassi, Federer, Coria and Nalbandian was good. Never mind the fact that most of the top 8 were absent, there was good tennis in the end. And if anyone complains about the lack of depth in the tournament, then that person ultimately does not know good tennis. =)

Gee, Tee, Kay, Raf!

Anyway. Pretty much didnt do much today. Did some last minute shopping and I managed to finally find my leather jacket. Yea! I now have a leather jacket and leather gloves. I think I can be a biker. Oh yah, I have my NP boots too. Then bought more t-shirts for tennis and also bought DVDs! Heheh. Damn happy. I bought JOEY and desperate. Yea yea. Both were damn cheap. =)

K. Nothing much. Slept early for the flight back to Singapore.

Day 10 - I'm Home
The flight back was terribly mundane. No leather headrests. Anyway, watched 2 movies. Mr and Mrs Smith (still a good movie) and Crash. Crash was really good. Go watch. It explores issues on racial discrimination and is quite touching towards the end. CRASH.

Err. Unpacked and checked my DVDs. They work! Haha. We went with 3 luggages and came back with 7.

Anyway. To sum up. China's a bitch. Right, Shanghai has great infrastructure and is pretty developed and on the surface everything seems good, but peel the onion and go underneath (literally, into the subway) and there is a whole other side of Shanghai that I simply cannot agree with. Give or take another 20 years and maybe I'll eat my words. But good tennis, good lodging and good shopping though. So I guess not all is bad. Pretty pleased with what I've got, just not a big fan of the crass chopstick'd chinese. Aye, I couldnt resist one last dig.
That's that.

OBK! Here I come!

But before that, Sheena just remided me of SATs. Heh.

To live the American Dream.

I deem it fitting that at the end of this CHEENA entry, the long-awaited American dream was still brought in. After all, thats what its all about.

kenn thwacked an asshat munchkin' at 12:51 PM