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Saturday, November 26

t.o.w. the coin

So I cleaned out my closet today. Threw a ton of things out. In some ways, I think I'm quite wasteful cos' I'm throwing out or giving away clothes that I've worn like once or never even at all. And linens and towels too. But yeah. I hate clutter. Cannot live with it. So they just have to go.

Anyway. My closet has a lot of space now. I actually found space to place my shoes in trays so at least I can have the option of chosing from different pairs of shoes now instead of hiding 2 in the storeroom and only using them when the other has given way at a time when they are no longer in fashion. Though I think dunks are here to stay, but nvm.

Anyway. I saw a coin in the closet today. It has been hiding in the closet for some time and as I digged it out so did certain issues. It's time I stopped hiding.

I think I'm a real hyprocrite sometimes. God this is going to be revealing.

Anyway. Before that, my father just asked me if I blogged and I said yes and he asked me for my add and I was like NO. YOU FREAK. I BLOG SHIT STUFF ABOUT YOU. But no. I just said no one knows the add and so I lied again, as I always do just cos' its the easiest way out.

What did you eat today? Burger King (34 buck buffet at swissotel actually)
Who did you watch movie with? My sec school friend. (Alison, Ade, Jiatub and Xuyan actually)
Where did you go today? Watch Movie. (Lost 20 bucks at mahjong actually)

I don't know. Its like I cant talk to him at all. So we end up ignoring each others presence most of the time just cos' I think he's quite tired of getting a proper answer in full sentences and I'm sick of supplying any cos' if I do then there's a whole barrage of questions. I know I'm being an ass, he really is a good person but sometimes I just don't get him and when I see him do certain stuff I sometimes wonder how he can stand there and preach at me when I'm sometimes just an exact replica of him anyway. Don't judge me when you read this, you really have to experience him before you should make any critical decisions about me. But I know to cherish whatever time I may have left. I mean, it really is scary how fate has stolen parents from some of my friends and I guess one doesn't actually feel it till it really happens, so I guess I think I need to try before its too late. Well its not like I havent, but I guess its gonna have to be a sustained effort.

Hah. I feel like Nathan in OTH now. And in some ways, he is Dan.

Anyway. Enought about that shit.

Right! So more about the coin. Sometimes I just think I'm such a loser hypocrite.

I mean I keep dreaming about going to the states and living in new york and living the life I've always envisioned and I think everybody knows that but I don't think anyone knows that the reason why I really want to go abroad is mainly to turn into a badass. I don't particularly fancy myself doing it here. Haha. I don't know maybe its the cheena culture or what. But back to the american dream, maybe its pop culture but if that is the case then I'd be truly young and impressionable so I don't think it is. I think its more of having lived such an oppressed life by my terms of course because I know I have a whole lot more freedom than most people do but yeah. I mean, I just want to be able to do whatever I like, when I like without having to worry about this or that or shit. I mean, hell yeah! I'm darn sure I can take care of myself even with all that I have planned in my mind already like getting hopelessly drunk or waking up with a huge hangover not knowing where I am or what I've done the last night. But yeah! I just need that bit of edge in my terribly routined and sedate life.

Mostly I just want to live in a pool house alone. Haha.

And then there are days when I'm totally into the idea of just packing my bags and flying to new york and to try to make it there just because you know I really love new york. Apart from the all badass movement I have going on there, I just really love New York! I mean, the feeling I got from walking along Broadway or 5th Avenue or outside NYSE or in the grand central or at times square. I mean, I felt important. I felt chance. I felt opportunity. I felt like life ran through my veins at that exact moment and I was spurred to work it out in New York. But of course, I don't have the guts to do it. I never have. Anyway. I figure I know New York so well from my travelling and my research that I could move over right now and not have to acclimatise at all. After all, it is the life I want. So thats why when everyone gets psyched about hearing that I want to be able to make it to an american university and they ask which one and I reply NYU, they often reply with a "say what?" kind of an attitude. And the truth is, I don't care whether or not I manage to graduate with top honours with a double degree or any sort of shit like that. I just want a chance mostly to live the life in the city that I truly love, even though I will strive to at least get by in the college.

I'm thankful for everything that Singapore has given me and stuff but mostly I want to live in the States because its a much more open and welcoming society and I just think I'd fit it there. Granted TV did its damage to my mind and thinking but mostly having spent time in the States and all, I truly know thats what I want.

Maybe 10 years from now, I'll be flying from New York to Cali to attend Shiqi's wedding to an angmor old man like Caleb Nichol, then she can really be Juju. Hah. Shiqi the PUNK and Kenneth the HUNK huh. So much for our rashes. Haha. That's why she's my soul bro. =) Anyway. About the rashes. It is bad. Its very prickly and painful so that whenever it gets going, I feel like I'm being thrown repeatedly onto a bed of needles. OUCH. I think I need a doctor. ARGH. And the weirdest thing is, it only acts up whenever I'm sweating or I'm out for too long. In an ac'ed room, I feel perfectly find.

Is it dumb that I'm studying like a madass mugger now so I can waste my life away later?

Do I need therapy?

Needed the password change. Cos I think only my really true friends understand what I'm feeling right now. So feel privileged if you knew the password change. If you don't, its mostly cos I'm afraid of being judged by you when you don't really know the real me and all you do know is the fake-happy shithead smiling liked a dumbnut.
kenn thwacked an asshat munchkin' at 8:29 PM